How to communicate assertively

The dictionary defines assertive as bold, confident or self-assured. Assertiveness can be defined as: 'The ability to communicate our thoughts, feelings and ideas, both positive and negative, in an open and honest way which does not abuse our rights or the rights of others.

A lot of people are struggling on this area because it takes guts, tactfulness and a healthy self-image to be so. Being assertive does not imply being forceful, offensive or self-seeking. An assertive person should demonstrate the ability to stand up for his thoughts and feelings without being mean or being too apprehensive. It is midway between passiveness and aggressiveness. Assertiveness allows a person to feel free to express his feelings, thoughts, and desires. An assertive individual tends to know his rights and does not allow aggressive people to hurt him or otherwise unduly manipulate him. Being assertive is linked to higher self-esteem and is considered an important communication skill. One way of being assertive is to communicate directly and honestly your feelings and needs. There are several ways of doing this:

• Make an honest statement about how you are feeling. A great way to make this type of statement is to begin with "I feel.. or I think..." An example of this is in the statement, "I feel sad when we argue." This helps keep the focus on communication versus blaming. ex: "I feel angry when you..." versus "You make me angry!!". Be sure not to disguise your "I" statement with a 'you' statement. For example, "I feel you are selfish," is really a 'you' statement disguised as an "I" statement.
• Explain what action or behavior has triggered your feelings. Be specific about why you feel the way you do. Keep the explanation in the present, not in the past. For example, "...because you did not want to go with me to counseling," rather than "you never want to go to counseling with me." See the difference.
• Tell the person what you want or need now or in the future when similar situation happen. Be direct. Less is more. ex: " I would like to take next week off for vacation" vs. " I was thinking about taking a vacation". Be sure to make your needs or wants reasonable and phrase them as needs, not demands. For example, "in the future I need to be informed when you plan on staying out late with the guys." Refrain from using "you better..." or "next time you will..." These come off as demands which you will want to avoid.
• If the other person still has not given you what you want or need, explain what you intend to do about it in the future. Use "I will" statements such as, "I will not make plans with you in the future if you cancel again at the last minute." It is important not to make these statement as threats because if you do, and then don't follow through, the other person will get the message that you are not serious.
• Be tactful and respectful. Ex: "Do you have a moment to talk" or "I am sorry to interrupt".
• Know how to say no. If you do not want to do something or are unable to, it is ok to say no. Again be direct and specific. You do not have to explain in detail. ex. "I am sorry, I cannot do that at this time"
• Maintain proper body language. Walk and sit with back straight. Hold head up. Look at people as they pass or talk. Dress and groom confidently. Choose clothing, hair, make up, etc, that show you care about yourself.
• Listen to what the other person is saying. Make sure they are finished and respond. You do not have to agree, but restate what you think they said to you. ex. "I understand your concern about ___, however I disagree" or "I understand what you are saying and agree with your fact on____, however----"

Characteristics of assertive behaviour

This type of behaviour involves standing up for your rights and expressing your thoughts and feelings directly and honestly in a way which respects the rights of others. The goal of assertiveness is to communicate clearly with each other. This allows us to express what we think whilst valuing the opinion of others and being open to exploring areas of conflict. Characteristics of assertiveness include:

• Really listening
• Firm but relaxed voice
• Direct eye contact
• Erect, balanced, open body stance
• Voice appropriately loud for the situation
• "I" statements (e.g. "I like", "I want", "I don't like")
• Cooperative phrases (e.g. "What are your thoughts on this?")
• Clear statements of interest (e.g. "I would like to...")

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The Amusing Coffee Maker

Most people who enjoy the russet drip on their taste buds usually have breakfast with an old friend -- the coffee maker. Every morning you scoop in the coffee, add some water and flip it on, and then everything heats up so quickly. Your stimulation starts as you hear that gurgling noise then eventually you’ll enjoy the sip of the aromatic French or Italian roast – it’s coffee!

What gives coffee its kick? Caffeine, of course. Caffeine is trimethylxanthine (C8H10N4O2). It's an addictive stimulant drug that operates in the brain the same way amphetamines, cocaine and heroin do (although caffeine is much milder than those drugs). Caffeine occurs naturally in a number of plants, including coffee beans. Your average 6-ounce cup of drip-brewed coffee contains 100 mg of caffeine. A 12-ounce cola soft drink contains about 50 mg of caffeine.

If your morning routine includes a cup or two of coffee, then you’re in for a stimulant drink that comes from beans that are roasted and ground. For many of us, it's a staple of li­fe and for many years men define their romance by how and when it is served. Long ago, newly married grooms used to bring a cup of coffee to their brides while they were sleeping on the bed. Even the movies of those days used to show such cordial scenes. Will the so-called modern women do that for their husbands?

Well, the comfort of available gadgets has changed the arrangements. Gone are the days when husbands and wives used to fight for a cup of coffee. The traditional husband would ask his beloved wife to head on to the kitchen for preparing a cup of coffee. But thanks to the coffee makers which are changing the lives of many newly married couples worldwide. These have also become the buddy gadgets for many metropolitan dudes which just do not have much time to stir a cup of coffee. So the coffee machines are must and to start a day without them is just impossible.

Those who do not have the coffee machines can soon purchase them with at various shopping websites. You can buy household gadgets by visiting the price comparison sites for cheap coffee makers. Getting the appropriate discounts and more than that bringing the branded coffee machines to home swiftly changes the lifestyle of people. Nobody has the enough time to reach to the stove, burn it, heat the water and pour it to the cup. This is a lengthy procedure which eats up most of the time. Better choose the short-cut and yes, the most reliable one.

And there's much more to that morning cup o' coffee than you may realize!

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Mirror of Self Reflection – An Amusing Disclosure

Maturity or old age bears down on us all gradually. Age shreds away our youth unnoticed till one day we gaze into the mirror and that once vigorous body does not appear to equal the twinkle in the eyes anymore. We then start on looking over our shoulders and wonder what would have happened or what if I had taken a different course?

The thought that we have only one life to live at a limited time is tantamount to saying that Santa Claus is a fraud. We basically want to believe in forever just like we wanted to believe in happily ever after as pure and innocent children. Somehow we hang our socks hoping that someone as good as Santa would fill it with gifts.

I am not saying that you better quit that self-consuming job and go trekking in Africa or spend all your bucks in Monte Carlo. That is not what I wanted to draw attention to. Living is an art in itself. It is not just about time management. It is not simply getting the most in everything or survival of the fittest. It is about faith, passion, depth, vision, mission, love, sacrifice and much more.

I wish I could remember the taste of a meal long after I have eaten it, I wish I could see my partners face long after they have left, I wish I could feel my friends hug as she embraced me long after she had let go, I wish I could picture the one time my Mother said I love you long after she is gone, I wish I was so in tune with life, so aware, so enlightened that every moment was my greatest and I could feel it, taste it, and truly live it.

Let’s not wait until someone tells us there is no more time left. Don’t you feel cheated when a Higher Authority takes those precious moments away. We should be grateful to Him who gave us such moments to begin with or live life anew.

As our youth slowly skids down our palms we should be able to look at the mirror and see the joy of a life lived with profundity and passion sketched on our person. We should be able to feel the touch of our lovers’ hands as they brushed away our tears not just remember it. But unless we are truly in control of ourselves to let go of those expectations and selfish attachments, we can only have some vague memories. We’ll desire for more and yearn for a strong imprint that we can carry and fell with us when the brilliance of our moments shall slowly fade away.

So look in the mirror of self reflection long before youth shall fade away. Life doesn't have to be filled up with things rather it needs to be soaked up for all it has to offer at this very moment. When we begin to experience that state of total being, when everything falls away and time stands still and you can taste the air you breathe, feel the earth pulsate beneath your feet and hear the whisper of the Angels, then eternity will no longer be an issue. Life is best served and the mirror will reflect the youthfulness of maturity.

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Sites for Reflection:

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Intuition—Does it Exist?

Have you ever noticed that depending from what vantage point you are looking at something, it appears differently? For instance, have you noticed that when pictures of earth are taken from far out in space that you cannot see most things that actually exist on earth?

The surface of the earth appears smooth, yet, in reality, wide-ranging texture covers the earth's surface in the form of mountains, hills, valleys, rivers and lakes. When you move in closer, you see other details, such as houses, streets, and people. Looking deeper, you discover even more: from something as small as an ant to microscopic organisms, such as bacteria.

Many things, not seen in the physical world, have been scientifically proven to exist. These include sound waves, gamma rays and x-rays, to name a few. As you can see, depending on your position in getting a good view, you can overlook much.

From this evidence, could you concede there are things that exist in the universe that go beyond your physical sight? Could intuition be one such thing? What do you know about intuition? Does it exist and, if it does, what is it? To help you understand, please consider the following:

Intuition

• Word is derived from the Latin word intueri, meaning:
  • To look inside oneself; or
  • Contemplate.

Webster's dictionary provides the following additional definitions:

• • Direct understanding without reasoning; or
  • An immediate and instinctive knowledge of a truth.

Instinct

• Word is derived from the Latin word instinctus, meaning:
  • inspiration;
  • the act of drawing in a breath;
  • to excite to action;
  • to awaken; or
  • urge forward.

Webster's dictionary provides the following additional definitions:

• • Urged from within;
  • Inborn impulse or propensity;
  • Unconscious skill; or
  • Full, which has additional meanings of:
    • Showing the whole surface;
    • Complete; or
    • Highest degree.

Pondering the following statement as quoted by a shaman named Charles Crooks, "We are all part of the whole and not separate," you can make a direct correlation with intuition. For instance, we can determine from the above definitions that intuition is a direct understanding, one derived by looking inside, the act of drawing a breath, an awakening or urging forward, and is complete and part of the whole.

Does this not describe our connection with the spirit of God? Might intuition actually be a direct message from the spirit, dwelling within our breath, promoting us to awaken to our highest potential?

Copyright 2009 Cindy L. Herb. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Cindy L. Herb, author of Awakening the Spirit: The Open Wide Like a Floozy Chronicles,http://www.cherbchronicles.com. To download your FREE report, Some Helpful Steps to Healing, please visit the author's website. You can also follow the author/speaker on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/cherbchronicles, on YouTube at http://www.youtube.com/cherbchronicles, or request her as a friend on Facebook under the name Cindy L. Herb. specializes in Mind, Body, and Spirit healing, and Physical/Sexual Abuse Recovery. As an inspirational speaker, Cindy L. Herb offers others an alternative approach to healing from any trauma, allowing people to view life's tribulations as an opportunity for spiritual growth.

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Naked Pinay Views, Friendly Remarks , Money Talks , Marc Nand's Blog , Nodding Nanding's Journal, Amusing Disclosure , Cyber Tweaks , PC Operatis , Online Shopster, Daniel Green

Discover the Love Within

Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical sang out for the world to hear this reality: Love changes everything. That song’s focus is upon the aspects of love contained by a relationship. "Days are longer, words mean more", and "Love will never, never, let you be the same" are memorable lines to nearly everyone. The twinge and bliss which can be felt within a relationship is also the focus of this song. At the same time, to quote from another song, we are "addicted to love".

A lot people are searching for love; hunting for that ideal person to make them complete. But this exploration often draws a person away from the very thing which he/she really wants. Love comes from within and until you are pleased with yourself, and sense real love within yourself, you won’t hit upon it in elsewhere. Love is rather a state of being. And in this sense, love cannot simply vanish, nor get away from you.

If you try to find love emanating from someone else, you may initially succeed and therefore cease from chasing your own dreams and from preparing your own path. When you get into wrong relationship, you will be frustrated and fearful that you will be left with nothing. to manage yourself Once you are in tune with your inner self, you will emit a powerful vibration which attracts everything which is right for you into your physical reality.

Remember, your thoughts have their own energy. If you are uncertain of your own inner thoughts and feelings you will not be emitting your energy that will draw listeners and friends who come and go as you drift from one channel to another. Only when your own love and completeness is constant within you that you will magnetize someone with a similar faithfulness into your life.

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Enthusiasm Makes The Difference in Every Situation

Without enthusiasm the events in life are dull and dreary, flat and uninteresting. We all have a limitless store of enthusiasm, which we can tap into each and every day.

A thought without emotional energy really has no effect. It is the amount of emotion which you put into anything in life which in actual fact is the fuel which propels it into action. The more fuel with which you stoke your fire, the higher your flames will leap and the further your reach will be.

Enthusiasm is something which we can all access in infinite quantities, simply by choosing to do so. We are not limited as to how enthusiastic we can be; it is purely a matter of one's own mindset, one's own attitude and expectations. There are no limits at all to the levels of enthusiasm which you are capable of. I find this thought really exciting and endlessly enticing. If you were to choose to be ever more enthusiastic about things in your day-to-day life, would this not mean that you would be ever happier in your day-to-day life?

When you listen to people who are speaking about something which they are passionate about, their enthusiasm is transmitted to you and it can be felt in different ways. You can hear the highly charged positive energy in their tonality, you can see it in their body languages; the more attuned can actually feel the impact too as a change in energy frequency. Enthusiasm is contagious. Enthusiasm is fun. I for one would not want to live my life without it.

I absolutely love to be around enthusiastic people. I don't want to be surrounded by dreary, unhappy, unenthusiastic vibes; they would surely dampen my flames and put out my fire. No matter how enthusiastic and happy you are, if you are subjected to negative vibes in sufficient quantity and for a long enough time, they will eventually rub off on you. Those negative vibes act like a bucket of water thrown carelessly and thoughtlessly upon your flames.

Few people intend to do this to you; rather they inadvertently emit the vibes which they are feeling. They do not realize or appreciate that they have a store of limitless enthusiasm at their fingertips. It's as if they have turned a blind eye to their own ability to energize their life with enthusiasm.

For those who know how to be enthusiastic, life is fun; life really is a ball! I love listening to motivational speakers and feeling the vibration of their energy. I remember giving a tape (yes it was a few years ago now!) of Anthony Robins to a friend to listen to and her being absolutely blown away by it. I recall her saying that she was listening to it while driving and only realized later than she had begun to drive significantly faster, as she found her own energy levels responding to his enthusiasm.

Those who work out on a regular basis know the impact of listening to different types of music. Some tracks are conducive to a great workout, while others aren't. We do find our energy levels are automatically affected by the tempo and rhythm. I,as a hypnotherapist, am only too aware of the effect of relaxation music upon your psyche. Think too of the "Mozart effect". The fact that we are moved and changed by not only music but all energy vibes is undeniable.

If you want to be happy, then choose to be enthusiastic. Happiness does not come from the outside world; it comes from how you choose to think, what you choose to think about, and what influences you choose to surround yourself with.

Author: Roseanna Leaton, specialist in hypnosis for change. http://www.RoseannaLeaton.com Article Source: http://www.ArticleBlast.com

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Why Not?

We often ask the question "Why?" with the expectation of getting a more convincing explanation or of catching the person off guard. At times, "Why?' means that we wonder or we doubt. Yet in terms of logical reasoning, its negation "Why not?" is equally elegant. TRBrady shares how this grand question transformed her life:

Like most individuals on this planet, I have spent a good deal of time fantasizing about the life I would have if only I could choose. I would be more confident. I would be more adventurous. I would get more education and get a better paying job. I'll have more time with friends and acquaintances and I would choose satisfying and complimentary relationships. I would feel like I had a valid place in this world!

As much time as I spent fantasizing, however, I probably spent even more time wallowing in the misery of my real life and making excuses about why I couldn't accomplish these things. I began to assume that every day would be the same as the last. I even started to believe that dreams were for kids and for irresponsible people that intended to bounce from one failure to the next.

Then, one day I had an epiphany. At the time, I was a housewife raising three small children. Though I have the amazing ability to stretch a dime into a dollar, money was always extremely tight. My life centered around taking care of my children and finding ways to stretch the budget just to pay for the necessities of life. I really loved being with my kids. I felt it was an important job and was willing to sacrifice to do what I felt was the right thing for my kids. But I had a good number of aspirations that didn't involve cleaning up messes, rereading stories for the hundredth time, or playing with bugs in the park. I wanted to be able to pay the bills each month. I wanted to become more confident and able to be part of an adult world. I wanted the freedom and ability to drive my children to various places. I wanted to see and learn a little bit about the world. I wanted to go to university and get my archaeology degree. In short, I wanted to be Tami, the person, and not just Mommy or Mrs. Brady.

For several years, I stewed about my quandary. I had always said I was going to go to university but frankly no one believed I actually would. The most vocal members of my family questioned why I would even want to go to university, especially to take archaeology. Archaeology was a job for single men. The only mothers who would dare train for such a job were simply trying to run away from their responsibilities. I had no intention of abandoning my family and so I eventually decided to give up on my dream.

My brother came to visit one day. We were both venting about our lives and talking about our bleak futures. I told him that I had finally given up on my hope of becoming an archaeologist. He asked me why I had to give up on this dream. I remember him saying "why not". Rather irritated at my single brother's grasp of the seemingly obvious, I explained the situation to him: my responsibilities, my lack of finances, my confidence issues, my lack of an adventurous nature, etc.

Over the next few weeks, for some reason, I just kept replaying that conversation in my head. I kept hearing "why not". Yes, I could list a whole book of reasons why I couldn't become an archaeologist. Strangely, however, these reasons seemed more like excuses.

I started wondering what I would tell my children if they were in my place. Surely, I wouldn't tell them to settle and be miserable. I started questioning why I was so willing to run away from a challenge. Finally, I realized that if I didn't at least try to reach my goals, I was going to regret my decision for the rest of my life.

Within six months of that epiphany, I started taking university classes. I researched and found student funding. I volunteered and then got a part time job at the local museum on weekends so that my husband could watch the kids while I was working. I practiced my driving skills and learned how to take public transit. I pushed myself to interact with other students and resisted my natural urge to run away from the large crowded campus. I scheduled my classes around my children's school schedule, even taking a few late night classes, so that my children would not require daycare and would never come home to an empty house.

Seven years later, I had earned an undergraduate honours degree in Archaeology and graduate courses in Archaeology and Heritage, awarded with distinction. I now run my own archaeological consulting company out of my basement. This allows me the freedom to choose my projects so that I don't have to stay away from my family for long periods of time. It also allows me the option to take on non-archaeological projects such as the writing of this book without the loss of income associated with working part time. Moreover, I found that as I reached towards my goals (sometimes succeeding and sometimes failing in my attempts) that in moving through or around these obstacles and challenges, I became happier in my life and more confident that I could achieve other ambitions that I had. My husband says I also became a lot nicer to be around. In this way, the phrase "why not" changed my life.

Perhaps, you too can change your life simply by asking yourself "why not".