How to communicate assertively

The dictionary defines assertive as bold, confident or self-assured. Assertiveness can be defined as: 'The ability to communicate our thoughts, feelings and ideas, both positive and negative, in an open and honest way which does not abuse our rights or the rights of others.

A lot of people are struggling on this area because it takes guts, tactfulness and a healthy self-image to be so. Being assertive does not imply being forceful, offensive or self-seeking. An assertive person should demonstrate the ability to stand up for his thoughts and feelings without being mean or being too apprehensive. It is midway between passiveness and aggressiveness. Assertiveness allows a person to feel free to express his feelings, thoughts, and desires. An assertive individual tends to know his rights and does not allow aggressive people to hurt him or otherwise unduly manipulate him. Being assertive is linked to higher self-esteem and is considered an important communication skill. One way of being assertive is to communicate directly and honestly your feelings and needs. There are several ways of doing this:

• Make an honest statement about how you are feeling. A great way to make this type of statement is to begin with "I feel.. or I think..." An example of this is in the statement, "I feel sad when we argue." This helps keep the focus on communication versus blaming. ex: "I feel angry when you..." versus "You make me angry!!". Be sure not to disguise your "I" statement with a 'you' statement. For example, "I feel you are selfish," is really a 'you' statement disguised as an "I" statement.
• Explain what action or behavior has triggered your feelings. Be specific about why you feel the way you do. Keep the explanation in the present, not in the past. For example, "...because you did not want to go with me to counseling," rather than "you never want to go to counseling with me." See the difference.
• Tell the person what you want or need now or in the future when similar situation happen. Be direct. Less is more. ex: " I would like to take next week off for vacation" vs. " I was thinking about taking a vacation". Be sure to make your needs or wants reasonable and phrase them as needs, not demands. For example, "in the future I need to be informed when you plan on staying out late with the guys." Refrain from using "you better..." or "next time you will..." These come off as demands which you will want to avoid.
• If the other person still has not given you what you want or need, explain what you intend to do about it in the future. Use "I will" statements such as, "I will not make plans with you in the future if you cancel again at the last minute." It is important not to make these statement as threats because if you do, and then don't follow through, the other person will get the message that you are not serious.
• Be tactful and respectful. Ex: "Do you have a moment to talk" or "I am sorry to interrupt".
• Know how to say no. If you do not want to do something or are unable to, it is ok to say no. Again be direct and specific. You do not have to explain in detail. ex. "I am sorry, I cannot do that at this time"
• Maintain proper body language. Walk and sit with back straight. Hold head up. Look at people as they pass or talk. Dress and groom confidently. Choose clothing, hair, make up, etc, that show you care about yourself.
• Listen to what the other person is saying. Make sure they are finished and respond. You do not have to agree, but restate what you think they said to you. ex. "I understand your concern about ___, however I disagree" or "I understand what you are saying and agree with your fact on____, however----"

Characteristics of assertive behaviour

This type of behaviour involves standing up for your rights and expressing your thoughts and feelings directly and honestly in a way which respects the rights of others. The goal of assertiveness is to communicate clearly with each other. This allows us to express what we think whilst valuing the opinion of others and being open to exploring areas of conflict. Characteristics of assertiveness include:

• Really listening
• Firm but relaxed voice
• Direct eye contact
• Erect, balanced, open body stance
• Voice appropriately loud for the situation
• "I" statements (e.g. "I like", "I want", "I don't like")
• Cooperative phrases (e.g. "What are your thoughts on this?")
• Clear statements of interest (e.g. "I would like to...")

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